Saturday, June 4, 2011

The man - woman thing (I)

I have recently started to discover what it means to be single. A lot of games, some fun and myriad mysteries yet to be solved. This is the current state:

Museum guy
We met at a gathering of a common alumni network, exchanged email addresses so I could put one of his contacts in touch with one of mine. He then invited me to a museum, I agreed, we met at the Tate Modern, went to the amazing Miro exhibition together, went for a walk, then for a coffee, then more walking along the Thames, then dinner - a total of 9 relaxed and interesting hours. My problem is that I don't fancy him. Having met him again at the alumni meetings I would even go as far as saying that I find him slightly annoying. Just so... small and... annoying laughter.. and, basically, not a match. I have to admit that this was partly because of the way I perceived him the second time we met at the alumni meet-up. Unluckily for him, he sat next to some guys who were, well, just more, uhm, manly. And, yes, one of them paid for my second cocktail. In other words: museum guy let this muscular guy in a tight black t-shirt pay for my cocktail. To me, that looked like admitting defeat - if you have decided to pursue me then at least do it for real. Since that day however, he has been inviting me to picnics, museum visits, polo and is now thinking about joining my choir. As I keep having to see him again I can't just ignore his emails but reply to say that I can't make. Being quite busy, this is more often than not, even true. However, according to a past fling of mine, the reason he thought I was indeed attracted to him or at least interested in him, was that I responded to his emails. What about just common politeness?!

Picnic guy
I call him picnic guy because I invited him to a picnic which he then couldn't attend as he had to work (on a Saturday!). I met him at through same alumni group and quite like him. Our views seem to be compatible (may too much?), he's got a cute Northen accent and knows what it's like not to have a 'home' - oh the shared pain of having to answer "So, where are you from?" [As a side point: in a time where everyone is moving around the globe non-stop, this should not be part of small-talk any more, given that it is meant as a polite, uncontroversial opener to a conversation]. I do like him. I saw him again at a dinner - however this proved fateful as he sat next to my more extroverted (and, yes, tanned) flatmate. And yes, the flatmate was between myself and picnic guy, thereby taking away all possibility of me talking to him. After the dinner would have been his chance to get talking to me as my flatmate decided to leave. I felt a bit sorry for picnic guy as he had a splitting headache and couldn't even consume wine due to the high amount of painkillers he had had to take. Following this night he has joined the ranks of men who invite me to picnics, coffees and the like. No luck, so far. Of course I could just go for sex. Ironically, that's what I did with one of his friends (question: is he aware that this happened?) but as our paths cross very regularly I don't think it's the best of ideas.

Choir boy
Now, if museum guy decided to actually join my choir then things will get very interested in my choir. This is not least because choir boy's girlfriend is one of the solo singers at the choir, too. Two tenors pursuing an alto and one soprano to lose out, potentially. Again, I don't deny the sexual attraction. However, him being in my choir, I don't feel like having casual sex with him - I don't need it badly enough to then deal with the AWKWARDNESS of it all afterwards.  He's good short-time material but I can't see us long-term, somehow. We recently met for coffee (he had called this a 'meeting' in order to 'discuss a few things') and it took all my diplomatic skills to push him gently but firmly into the dreaded friendship zone.

Date guy
Ok so I joined a dating site two months ago. I wrote with a few guys, then grew tired of it. Anyway, he was one of the guys I originally contacted as our matching points were high. He replied to say that he couldn't see my message as he wasn't a paying member of the site and we started emailing. This is probably the only reason why we continued to be in touch; I am not in touch with anyone else from the site any more and haven't logged on in weeks. We decided to meet and spent a lovely few hours in Hyde Park. However, since that day in the park, he hasn't been in touch. Yes, it's only 5 days ago. BUT. It's 5 days ago and I would really like to hear from him and to see him again. The matching points were right I think; we really are compatible, both foreigners in the city, both thinking of leaving in about the same amount of years, both open to discovering Asia afterwards or to return to our common home country. Now, if you ask one of my friends, the reason he hasn't been in touch might be because I was too forward: I was the one who suggested to meet (mainly because I didn't want to waste time writing emails if we were then to find out that the 'chemistry' just wasn't right) and then, perhaps, fatally, I was the one who got in touch again after the date. We met on a Sunday and on the following Thursday I was so tired of it all, that I wrote him an email. Nothing big, just an email like I would have written to him before the date. According to said friend, I should have let him pursue me, activate his hunting spirits etc. Maybe it was also a mistake that I didn't mention our date? Maybe I shouldn't have written at all? Maybe I should have waited a full week, especially knowing that his parents are visiting?

According to another friend however, it is not bad to be open about one's feelings as men most of the time don't notice when we like them. So in order to make it easier for them, it's advisable to send available-and-interested-signs; not to deprive them of the hunting joys but to signal that hunting might be successful. Maybe, before writing the email, I should have paused to consider that I once before followed this friend's advise and got in touch pre-maturely (and probably a tad too obvious) with a guy I had met. Result: I never heard from him again.

Given the empirical evidence gathered so far I believe that I will in the future follow the first friend and let them hunt. Or why else do those who I repeatedly turn away keep to pursue me and the one who I would like to pursue is keeping it quiet? Or do I only want guys who don't want me?

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